A CastleCon

Last year was a hard year for me, this year has been even more difficult. Most of my life I have just gotten by by ignoring all the bad things and concentrating on a hope for a future that was always that one day away. In learning now about the blanked out and poorly remembered portions of my childhood I have found out a lot about horror, and learned about depression and hopelessness.

At no point in my life have I ever expected to be anything other than a dismal failure. As my Father used to say, I would grow up to be a ``Bum'' or if lucky a ``Ditch-digger''.

This year I tried to react against all this by trying too much. And often when one tries to hard it is just setting up for failure. Some of the simpler things were fun even when they didn't really work out, like the one music session where it was just Albedo and me playing on our synths and trying to put our music on videotape.

VideoFest, however, was a much larger project and one that should have taken a fulltime effort and a year of preparation. It was something new to me, and I have to admit, something that I am not yet good at. Until the very last minute I can not force myself to do the necessary drudge work that starting a brandnew major event has to have put into it. It was a good idea, but by itself it wasn't going to work. It is hard to admit this but it is true. VideoFest would have been nice, but it was not what I needed.

At this point in my life what I need is to gather my friends around me; to seek their understanding, comfort, forgiveness, and their help. I have tried to live as an Island, hiding myself even from those who should have been closest to me. It is hard not to hide when I was taught from childhood not to be seen, not to be heard, not to cry when hit, and not to feel.

I need all of you and all of your help. In turn I will promise that I will help you as much as I can.

But I do not want us to be sad together. The only way to fight against hopelessness and fear is to join together and create good times. Darkness can not exist where there is laughter and lights.

If we gather together as friends then none of us need to be alone and lonely.

It is for these reasons that I wish to change our September weekend into a reborn CastleCon. I know that at this last minute it is too late for many of you to join us there. But do think of us. And for those of you who will be there, it may not be the Biggest of cons or have the most well-planned events, but we will try to have a good time together among good friends.

There is nothing else I can ask for...

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